i think social media has entirely deprived many of us from ever feeling present. i sometimes feel so vividly aware of the fact that most of the time i am completely disassociated because of my phone, scrolling for hours because the short form dopamine feedback loop is easier than getting up and attempting anything that requires my full attention span. being in this state for so long makes it hard to ever stop craving those dopamine hits. i wonder how many hours i've spent scrolling to find a youtube video about a subject i have no interest in, wasting time i could be spending to start the projects i actually care about. 

this is definitely not as true as it used to be. i have many hobbies now that i do completely disconnected from the internet, but the commonality of always needing something to SHOW for my hobbies remains. i go to the gym because i want to see progress in the mirror and be able to do feats that impress others. i do graffiti because i want to have my mark on the world to be seen by someone. i think i am just an extremely 

lost in thought trying to formulate how best i can package up my thoughts into some perfect piece of artwork that i can easily share. i feel often that i don't live my life for myself, finding it hard to enjoy activities that aren't spent with something to post and share in mind at the end of them. it's hard to start doing art sometimes because every ounce of energy not spent on making a final piece to share feels wasted, so i never make drafts to actually get better at drawing.

i think im not very kind to myself, but that is an embarrassing thing to admit. i dont really ever feel like i should be able to complain, and when i do it feels like a moral failing. i was a big complainer as a child, i was constantly contrarian and whiny. i dont think i have been that way for a while, or at least not that i can tell. i hope i am not that way anymore. i was also not a very good person growing up. i was mean and overtly over-sexual. i had very little self awareness at the time, but looking back on it now i absolutely hate the person i was for a long time. i can give myself some sympathy, i know how hard things were at the time for me, but it doesn't excuse the actions my impact had on others.